Thursday, October 20, 2005


hello all..20th is finally here..duno y this week's wed seems to pass really slowly..is it the fact tat its the 19th oct?well..i duno..i mean, i woke at 2pm today(my personal record!) and still the day seems to be crawling..hai..i felt kinda bad today..my dad told me he took half day leave today..i presume he wans to go to "visit" my mom..n he told me he wans to eat lunch buffet w me at sakura..n i woke up at bloody 2pm..hai..feel tat i let him down loh..but at the same time..i can say im abit relieved la..coz den i no need to haf so much individual time w him..alone..i feel tat im not close to him again..4 a period of time..i was quite close to him..eventually we grew apart again..hai..so im kinda scared to be alone w him..coz i scare will "leng chang" u see.."leng chang" w ur dad is pathetic la..n yah..tats the kind of pathetic situation im in..hai..=(

well..i woke up feeling rather sick..my nose is all block n my throat is pain..n when i blew my nose..blood came out instead of mucus/phlem(duno how spell)..hai..duno wads happening inside my body..muz be all breaking down liao..hai..den i was coughing rather badly tat my dad came n ask me bout it..v seldom he shows concern 4 him 1 loh..it is juz not him to ask bout how i m n all..haha kinda happy tat he bothered..=) den he asked if im free to go to "visit" my mom loh..n i said yah..after lunch..n guess wad?we din go in the end..hai..i feel so so bad..keep thinking its my fault..coz i was doing my chinese assignment..den think my dad dunwan disturb me loh..so in the end we din go..maybe in my inner mind i was trying to push off the whole thing..hai..i duno la..maybe i just din wan to go n get back all the memories..i tend to cry everytime i go there..n i dun like crying in front of my dad..i like to be strong in front of him..coz i wan him to haf the mindset tat no matter wad happens i'll still be strong enough to continue the family..i wan to let him noe tat i'll be standing no matter how much difficulties and hardships we face..i juz wan to assure him..=) but maybe its foolishness?hmm..i duno..

so i feel guilty the whole day..even till now when im typing the blog..hai..i feel tat dad juz wasted his leave loh..i shouldnt haf done wad i did right?argh..hai..he muz be feeling tat i dun love/care for my mother anymore..in fact, i do..everytime i lose my steam to carry on living..jaehee will ask me to think of my mom..think only he noes how exactly i feel towards my family..no1 else does..he noes me so well..hai..i miss him again!!haha everytime i tok bout him i miss him..argh..sickening feeling..coz its only wed..ok..the beginning of thurs..n im hoping tat he can bk out this sat..juz hopes..not even confirmed..hai..=(

everytime i see others so happily together w their family i juz haf envy for them..haha there seems to be no way i can be as happy as the others..so long i have never call "mummy"..so long..n never will i get the chance to..hai..so all of u pls treasure ur mummys k!!haha i duno la..seem to be so pessimistic nowadays..back to my old self in tjc..where i always break down..(not tat i dun now..haa)..but back then, i always do..i just feel tat the world is so grey..so depressing..esp during this period of time..every yr..the exams are nearing + 19th oct..hmm..but i haf learnt to become stronger since i step into nus..i haf no1 to turn to now..my darling's shoulder is not here for me everytime i need it anyhow..i can only depend on myself..n i'll pull myself up..just gimme some time..

i feel tat i need a break..a break from everything..studies and all..hai..i wish tat my relationship w dad will be better..i wish tat my dad noes bout jaehee..i wish tat i noe how to bring up this topic to my dad..i wish..i wish..hai..alot of ppl were like telling me "why ur dad wun allow?u r 19 this yr liao leh..big ger liao leh.." but u all just duno my dad..he is a traditional man..he oso dun bring up this kinda touchy subject w me..haha so i oso duno how to start..i wan to tell him..coz i haf my "marriage in 6 years plan" in my head!!haha n i dunwan to shock him by telling him when im 25/26 tat im getting married without him knowing i got a bf..haha frens tell me tat he somehow knows abit..just tat he dunwan mention..well..i oso duno..hai..hopefully i can bring jaehee to christianity b4 i expose our relationship..if not i really duno how my dad will take it..hai..but jaehee has alot of doubts bout my religion..n i dun exactly noe how to ans his doubts..hai..im such a failure..in everything..=( its not tat he resists gg to church (ok..he does..a teeny weeny bit) n he noes tat i wan him to become 1 b4 our marriage..which i told him is in 6years(haha luckily he din freak out)..n he told me im giving him alot of pressure..help!!i duno how!!he says tat even if he agrees to go church..its for my sake..not for God's..hai..can any1 pls help me?im so troubled...!!=(

hai..juz stop typing 4 awhile and sense of regret is coming back to me..argh..feel so so bad..hai..anw..i think tat my blog entries are getting more depressing day after day..haha hopefully it will make a turn towards to other direction soon ba..im certain it will..if my dear can come out this wkend..+ if he cheers me up instead of pissing me off again..haha seeing him will definitely make me happier already..so im really wishing tat he can book out la..hai..he's in tekong now btw..where he has his bmt training..in pasir ris..n im in tampines..haha so near..n yet so far away..wonders wad he is doing now..zzz?or digging some duno wad shit?or getting tekan?hai..i miss him!!!argh..hate this feeling..duno y recently i keep missing him..has been a long time since i haf such strong feelings of "miss"..the very 1st time i felt this was when he 1st goes into army, during his bmt..when i had no studying..no job..n i think it's just god's will..i started my work in citibank just 1 day after he bk in..think god must know tat im suffering loh..haha see wad miracles god works..=) n so eventually i got used to him bking in n bking out..after i came army..it was even easier 4 me..coz im so bz w sch work..tat sometimes i really dunhaf time to think bout him..but duno y in this hectic work of mine..i miss him the most..just like when he 1st go bmt..maybe coz he cant even msg/call me this wk?think i'll just die when he goes overseas training..haha which is during my exam period..when i need him the most again..haha

i finished my chinese assignment already..duno how to do quite alot..hai..n this is only an assignment..i wonder wad q i can do in the exam paper..w/o my textbook..n with my mind..so empty of knowledge..hai..so so dead..think i should consult the teacher soon..but im lazy to do so..haha..well..see how la..n i copied the stupid psy notes into the actual notes le..so waste time loh..tats all tat i did today ah..other den playing w my brother n sister..oh man..they r soooo cute!!haha they r the people who brighten up my day man..love them!!=) i just love kids la..think it's god's plan again..i mean..if i din love kids as much as i do now..i duno wad i would do to my step-siblings loh..most prob hate them..haha so god really plan out this road 4 me..n im certain he has 1 for all of u too..=)

hmm..i think i end here ba..i still got abit of dark rings though..haha see how lack of zzz im!!zzz till 2pm n still got dark rings..hoprefully by tml i'll be fine ba..haha if not jk will say i look bad again..haha anw i still got pimple explosion man!!argh..so sickening!!k la..sch starts tml again..argh..damn sian..but i should look 4ward to it ba..since i can count down to saturday..=) tataaaa..!!!

p.s : chinru dear..pls jiayou w ur essayssssss..haha i emphasized on the "sssss" coz u got 3 right?=) jiayou k?esp for the ss 1..do me proud!!dun let ur good grades for mcq go to waste!!n pls take care of urself k?* muz b u pass ur sickness to me on mon!!!bloodyhell!!hahaha=) *

p.s : vivien dear..thanks for coming online just to msg me to cheer me up after reading my yesterday's blog..haha although it din help much..(opps) haha but i appreciate it..esp u r my newest fren hu haf the privilege to read my blog!!haha thank god i manage to find u as my fren..n thanks 4 being so ever supportive even though u haf a term paper to rush..jiayou k!!=)

p.s : shanti dear..y din u update ur blog??n y din u come msn the whole day?i so miss u!!u haven show me urself through the webcam yet loh!!!

p.s : suet dear..y u still haven update ur blog??n thanks 4 leaving the msgs in my tag board!!think u r the most active 1 there loh!!haha anw..u haven tell me wad u wan 4 ur bday loh!!!n when r u free to go shopping??i need new clothes!!!!hahaha

finally....
p.s : to all who din noe my past..sorry 4 scaring u all through this blog..haha but at least now u all noe la!!haha niteeeeeeeee!!!=)


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